Breaking Negative Thought Pattern
You must be aware you have negative thoughts to break negative thought patterns. Most people never realize they are having negative thinking; however, you know they are because you can see them act in their behavior. We are no different, we must take the time to become aware of how we react to our automatic negative thinking. Just like checking the car facts for any errors in a vehicle before you purchase it, you must check the thought facts. Are they really reality or just in error in our thoughts?
Let me provide an example: Last night I was putting away the dishes to help my wife decompress a little as she had a frustrated close of the evening. As I put the clean dishes away, I noticed she was putting the dirty dishes and mixing them with the clean ones. She didn’t realize what she was doing, and I reminded her, “Honey you are mixing in the dirty dishes with the clean dishes.” It’s a big mistake on my part because like men have their man caves, don’t mess with a women’s cave which tends to be the kitchen. At least for my wife, this is one of her pet peeves, she knows how she wants her kitchen clean.
Let’s use this example with breaking Negative Thought Patterns.
You can imagine, I was upset, how dare she not help me! Who does she think she is? How many men help their wives in the kitchen? Instead, they lounge in the living room relaxing and asking for a drink while they flip the channel to the TV. I barged out of the kitchen upset and fuming like a volcano about to erupt.
Stop- Let’s Rewind
Remember just like checking the car facts check your thought facts. What was reality? Was it so extreme that she didn’t love me anymore? Did she think less of me as an incompetent dishwasher or El Guapo Mr. Clean? Not at all! Can you relate? Have you messed up an amazing end of an evening simply by having someone act out in a way you felt demeaned you and exploded leaving in your path massive destruction? Let’s become aware of our stinking thinking and regain the peace of mind we have always wanted. Our actions and behavior always start with a thought.
Thought fact number 1
Are there real reasons to believe your negative thoughts?
- “Take care at this step to be as objective as possible, neither skipping over any available evidence nor filtering through a negative lens.”
- In my case, I made the classic thinking error of believing I was a mind reader. Here is the description: Assuming you know what someone else is thinking. Example: “My wife probably thought I was incompetent and my fault for mixing up the dishes. She probably is upset because she is copping out of her own mistake.” Oops, there is another one: assuming she is intentional about her actions.
Thought fact number 2
Look for Evidence that does not support your thoughts.
- Is there anything your thought ignores? For example, in my case, I should have understood my wife was tired and this was a time she needed to decompress.
- My wife being upset wasn’t about me and there is no need to take it personally.
- Instead of taking it as a slight I could have said, I understand and taken it as a blessing that she wanted me to rest.
Thought fact number 3
Look for possible errors in your thinking
- Compare your banked-up positive thinking with the erroneous thinking that just occurred. It is important to reflect on what is going right and positive at the start of the day to counteract the weeds that pop up during the day.
- For example: I had an amazing day at school with my students. My family loves me, and we are close to the Christmas Holidays. Had an amazing community outreach with my wife by my side. I was upset that my wife wanted to finish cleaning the kitchen on her own.
- Compare the ratio: 3:1 Which one wins? Positive!
- Ask yourself whether your thoughts mean what you’ve assumed.
- Even if it is true is it bad as it seems?
- Write down any errors you discover. This will allow you to become more aware of any future negative thoughts.
Thought fact number 4
Identify a more accurate and helpful way of seeing the situation
- Modify your initial thought to make it more consistent with reality. My wife is just tired, and we had an amazing day. She needs to decompress, and she also wants me to rest.
- Come up with thoughts that support the fact and not self-righteous or self-affirming thoughts which can be rebuttals of automatic thinking. For example, a statement like “What man does what I do?” Or “she will never find another Mr. Clean” feeds more negativity. Flip it to showing compassion and considering the other person’s needs in the light that you are willing to grow from the moment.
- “Simply follow the facts and write down the alternative way of thinking.”
Thought fact Number 5
Notice and record any effects of the new thought on your feelings and behaviors
- Count your small wins and record them in a journal. You will start experiencing a change in your feelings and your mood.
- Take note of the thoughts you are aware of.
- Be honest and kind to yourself even if you don’t notice any immediate improvement.
- It will be valuable to know what works for you and what doesn’t.
Visual Example to Help You: (1) Choose your event which can either be a problem or a type of trigger that has gotten you upset. (2) Focus on your thoughts only. Be honest with your initial thoughts and write them down. (3) At this point be aware of how your thoughts make you feel. What do your feelings prompt you to want to behave like?
