Emotional Response vs. The Mind Reader
One of the biggest challenges we have during conversation is how affective can we be with being clear with our directions. According to Proverbs 22:6 it states “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The question remains are we truly presenting the way and providing clear expectations how to get there. We assume we do a good job but what we expect gets lost with either being extremely emotional with the request or we expect the other person is a mind reader. Consider the out come in both situations because this only leads to frustration by both individuals. Let’s consider the emotional response and the mind reader response in a scenario: The scene is, Tom arrives home late once again and his parents have been worried sick. They are frustrated because after many warnings, change has not occurred. Take some time to compare both of responses.
Emotional Response
Moms fuming, “where have you been? It’s 10:00 and you were not home!” She gasps, “are you crazy or do you even care?” Slamming the door behind she explodes, “you must be crazy boy, do you realize how dangerous the streets are?” “Go to your room.” Tom tried his best, “but mom.” She goes off again, “don’t but mom me, I am going to hand you your butt.” With the final ax of anger dropping down as to split him in half, “now go to your room!
Mind Reader Response
“What is it that you don’t understand,” she fumes. “You should be here by 10:00,” she goes on. “But mom,” Tom states, “I thought it was ok to get here by 10:30.” He further goes on to share, “I have arrived late at this time before and it wasn’t a big deal.” Mom goes on, “you should know better son and see how it has been upsetting me.” She goes on heated as to erupt like a volcano, “you are not sensitive to my feelings because every time you come late I have to stay up waiting for you just to hear the door unlock.” “Now go to bed and don’t do it again!” Storming up the stairs as her son is left with the fumes of her emotions.
The Chancla Response
Create Smart Goals
Let’s take action to avoid these interactions and reduce frustration with clear expectations by creating S.M.A.R.T. goals. SMART goals are used in business to meet a goal but serve well how we can provide clear expectations in our relationships as well as with our children.
- Set specific and measurable goals. Let’s revisit the same example: “Tom when you go out with your friends on Friday we expect you to be home by 10:00 because we worry about your safety. If you anticipate running a little late please call us so we don’t worry. Is that understood? So please tell me when do I expect you back home and what are you going to do if you are running late?” Note the difference in tone and clear expectations when being specific to the need and request. Let’s unpack how we can apply the strategy by breaking each one down.
- S.M.A.R.T. Goals
Specific– start with asking the right questions:
- What needs to be accomplished? Arriving at home by 10:00 pm
- Who’s responsible for it? Tom
- What steps need to be taken to achieve it? Allow them to work through the plan but don’t be too demanding. Lead by providing suggested questions such as, what is the best time to leave or arrive home on time? Are there any distraction you can avoid that prevents you from arriving on time?
- You can be specific to work as a team which can help with dividing up chores as an example. Let’s try it with being specific: Here is the scenario. Lately mom has been exhausted because the clothes to wash have been piling up. She has to go to each room and retrieve them. Then she separates them and starts to wash them. Because she is handling other chores she gets side tracked and forgets the clothes in the washer. If left too long she has to wash them again.
- What needs to be accomplished? Washing the clothes
- Who’s responsible for it? Dad washes and dries and the daughter folds and puts her own clothes away. Mom puts the remaining clothes away.
- What steps need to be taken to achieve it? Make sure clothes are properly separated by colors in the laundry and Saturday the clothes will be washed.
Now you try it. What are specific goals you have for your family? In what areas do you want to work on?
Measurable-“quantifying your goals (that is, making sure they’re measurable) makes it easier to track progress and know when you’ve reached the finish line.” For example, by 4 pm we should have all the clothes washed and put away. Let’s place a check on the chart to measure the frequency for the month. Did we complete the task? How many weeks were we consistent?
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