Objectives
In this lesson we will be able to develop and equip you in the best practices of parenting in a Biblical context by examining God’s Word as well as scientific research .
So that we can (1) identify your parenting style as well as the past influences that developed it (2) Equip you with Godly principals to break the chains of generational bondage through story of Mordecai; (3) Provide real life application of past pains that manifest themselves in present relationships
Before Getting Started
Take some time to assess your parenting style. Don’t allow it to box you in as a parent but allow it to give give you direction of where you are headed. You cannot defeat what you cannot define. As we explore parenting styles keep an open mind in order to develop growth. Click the green check below and fill make sure to complete the survey.
Download The Work Sheet
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. (Exodus 20:5-6)
Change is possible, so as we explore your past experiences either in what you received from your parents child rearing experience or mistakes and flaws you might have currently made as a parent; if you are willing to put in the work, change is possible. In order to grow in any capacity you must understand your current status and ultimately what your goals are. The secret of your possibility is found in love. When we examine the Scripture in Exodus note the impact of change. Past sins and mistakes that have gone on from generation to generation can’t compare to the power of God’s love to transform over a thousand generations. In essence the cycle can be broken through love.
I grew up in a single family home with a mother who did the best she could with an authoritarian style which we will delve into in just a few. If you cross the line with the limited tools my mother had from her past, we would catch a beat down. She truly loved us but her threshold of tolerance was low as my siblings an I would push the limits. She felt that immediate pain learned through discipline would allow us to avoid future pain and limit mistakes. One such experience was what we call the rice corner. Any disapproval landed us in the corner with bare knees on raw rice. In retrospect what she was taught and what she experienced was the generational curse we endured until the possibility of change arrived through the love of Jesus at a youth camp by a ministry called Fellowship of Christian Athletes in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. God began placing coaches and mentors in my life that reflected the love of Jesus. My relationship with God quickly taught me that mom could never love me to the best of her ability unless she received Jesus in her heart. So I made it my quest as God transformed my life to be the light in my home and love my mother to Christ. Was it easy? No! But it was worth it.
The possibility of change occurs when we embody the principle of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” In other words as we draw from God’s well it is possible to change our family and give hope to future generations by displaying what true love is.
What's your Story?
- How did your parents handle discipline in your home?
- How do you feel it has influenced you in your relationships with family, friends and ultimately your children?
- Are you happy in the state you are in as a parent? Explain.
- What do you feel is the biggest area of growth as a parent you would like to work on?
What is Your Parenting Style?
Authoritarian Parenting
- You believe kids should be seen and not heard.
- When it comes to rules, you believe it’s “my way or the highway.”
- You don’t take your child’s feelings into consideration.
- Because I said so,” when a child questions the reasons behind a rule.
- No negotiation just obedience
- Enforce the consequences with little regard for a child’s opinion.
- Rather than teach a child how to make better choices, they’re invested in making kids feel sorry for their mistakes.
What is the outcome?
- Tend to follow rules much of the time. But, their obedience comes at a price.
- Higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren’t valued.
- They may also become hostile or aggressive. they often focus on the anger they feel toward their parents.
- Children may grow to become good liars in an effort to avoid punishment
Authoritative Parenting
- You put a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive relationship with your child.
- You explain the reasons behind your rules.
- You enforce rules and give consequences, but take your child’s feelings into consideration.
- Parents have rules and they use consequences, but they also take their children’s opinions into account.
- Validate their children’s feelings, while also making it clear that the adults are ultimately in charge.
- Invest time and energy into preventing behavior problems before they start.
- Use positive discipline strategies to reinforce positive behavior
What is the outcome?
- Most likely to become responsible adults who feel comfortable expressing their opinions.
- Tend to be happy and successful.
- They’re also more likely to be good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own.
Permissive Parenting
- You set rules but rarely enforce them.
- You don’t give out consequences very often.
- You think your child will learn best with little interference from you.
- Permissive parents are lenient. They often only step in when there’s a serious problem.
- They’re quite forgiving and they adopt an attitude of “kids will be kids.”
- You believe consequences stick.
- Give privileges back if a child begs or they may allow a child to get out of time-out early if he promises to be good.
- Take on more of a friend role than a parent roles
- They often encourage their children to talk with them about their problems, but they usually don’t put much effort into discouraging poor choices or bad behavior.
What is the outcome?
- Kids who grow up with permissive parents are more likely to struggle academically.
- exhibit more behavioral problems as they don’t appreciate authority and rules.
- They often have low self-esteem and may report a lot of sadness.
- They’re also at a higher risk for health problems, like obesity, because permissive parents struggle to limit junk food intake.
- More likely to have dental cavities because permissive parents often don’t enforce good habits, like ensuring a child brushes his teeth.
Uninvolved Parenting
- You don’t ask your child about school or homework.
- You rarely know where your child is or who she is with.
- You don’t spend much time with your child.
- Tend to have little knowledge of what their children are doing.
- There tends to be few rules.
- Children may not receive much guidance, nurturing, and parental attention.
- Expect children to raise themselves.
- They don’t devote much time or energy into meeting children’s basic needs.
- Parents may be neglectful but it’s not always intentional.
- A parent with mental health issues or substance abuse problems, for example, may not be able to care for a child’s physical or emotional needs on a consistent basis.
- Children with uninvolved parents are likely to struggle with self-esteem issues.
- They tend to perform poorly in school.
- They also exhibit frequent behavior problems and rank low in happiness.
What every Child Truly Wants
Time….. The greatest treasure you could every give your child doesn’t come in a box but measured from a clock. How much time have you invested today with your child? How much time have you invested this week with your child? What about this month with your child? Do the math and the numbers will follow their heart. As you watch the video see the extreme comparison between Phil (Will’s uncle and Lou (Will’s dad). We either learn to live with past regrets wishing what we could have had or giving back to our children what we never had.
A Father's Love (Mordecai Story)7 Principals of Parenting
1. Selfless Love-concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own; the power to serve your children results in a reciprocity (receiving back) the love you give.
2:5Now there was in the citadel of Susa a Jew of the tribe of Benjamin, named Mordecai son of Jair, the son of Shimei, the son of Kish, 6 who had been carried into exile from Jerusalem by Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, among those taken captive with Jehoiachin[a] king of Judah. 7 Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah, whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This young woman, who was also known as Esther, had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Mordecai took her in as his own daughter when her father and mother died.
2. Sets Ground Rules and Expectations-the more consistent you are with expectations, the greater the foundation you build with your children. “Expectations and rules can help children to crack the code about the different ways to behave in different settings. It is critical to focus on respect and relationships with all children. Adults should monitor their own behavior to make sure they are responding to children fairly and consistently.”
10 Esther had not revealed her nationality and family background, because Mordecai had forbidden her to do so.
3. Shows Concern and Consistency to be Involved-it’s not what you say but what you do that makes the difference.
11 Every day he walked back and forth near the courtyard of the harem to find out how Esther was and what was happening to her.
Never give up! You keep fighting for your children, praying for your children and believing in your children.
4. Protect the future of your children –children are your greatest investment in life. They are the ones that will leave your legacy for the generations to come. Protect them with everything you have and prepare the way by removing obstacles that can hinder them.
21 During the time Mordecai was sitting at the king’s gate, Bigthana[b] and Teresh, two of the king’s officers who guarded the doorway, became angry and conspired to assassinate King Xerxes. 22 But Mordecai found out about the plot and told Queen Esther, who in turn reported it to the king, giving credit to Mordecai. 23 And when the report was investigated and found to be true, the two officials were impaled on poles. All this was recorded in the book of the annals in the presence of the king.
5. Leads by Example (Refuses to bow down to the World)-it’s not who you are on Sunday but what they see the rest of the week. Children learn by imitation so consider what you watch, what you are listening too, how you speak to your wife and others. Don’t be an imitator of the world but live righteous before the Lord. “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever (1 John 2:15-17 ESV).”
Let’s consider how Mordecai handled the pressure of the world.
3:1 After these events, King Xerxes honored Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, elevating him and giving him a seat of honor higher than that of all the other nobles. 2 All the royal officials at the king’s gate knelt down and paid honor to Haman, for the king had commanded this concerning him. But Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor.
3 Then the royal officials at the king’s gate asked Mordecai, “Why do you disobey the king’s command?” 4 Day after day they spoke to him but he refused to comply. Therefore they told Haman about it to see whether Mordecai’s behavior would be tolerated, for he had told them he was a Jew.
6. Isn’t ashamed to suffer and cry before their children- Emotions and sensitivity are vital to build a well balance child. “Big boys don’t cry,” has proven to detach men from their full potential. When you have the ability to express you emotions and empathy with your children bridges of communication will open open up.
Esther 4:1-3 When Mordecai learned of all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly. 2 But he went only as far as the king’s gate, because no one clothed in sackcloth was allowed to enter it. 3 In every province to which the edict and order of the king came, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing. Many lay in sackcloth and ashes.
7.. Plants seeds of courage and wisdom in their children-What you plant today will sprout tomorrow. If you plant seeds of discord with your children; you will reap discord. If you plant seeds of love and compassion; you will reap love and compassions.
Esther 4:12 When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, 13 he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”