Provide the Power of Choice and Avoid Tension

The Power of Choice-A child develops autonomy (independence) as they navigate life through choices. In other words they can’t learn to swim if we continue to have them wear a life vest.  In the process  they must feel that they are in control.  The secret sauce is for you to provide the options.  As an educator for over 27 years I have seen this in actions through many various settings in the classroom and of course with my family.  I will give an example of the power of choice in the classroom setting.  I had a particular student who struggled with profanity.  Let’s just call him Billy for the sake of a setting.  On this particular day as each student enters the classroom Billy was displaying his usual defiant self.  It’s only one week into the school year and warnings could not help subside the brash language he spit out like a viper willing to coil up and attack on his next victim.  I quickly realized if I don’t put a halt to this I will quickly lose control of my classroom.  So here is what i did to provide options and curtail the behavior.  “Billy my brother, I need your help.  I don’t know if you realize it but you are one of my biggest leaders in the class.”  Billy struck back and said, “I ain’t no F@&&$…leader Mr López.” He said “F€%# all that noise.”  The students gasped in horror around him waiting to see what I would do.  What Billy didn’t realize is that I have been around this block and this wasn’t my first rodeo.  “Billy, Billy, Billy, (smiling as I looked dead in his eye), It doesn’t matter what you see in yourself but what I see in you” I quickly shot back with all the calmness I could muster.  “I am going to prove to you that you are a leader and can make good choices”. I continued to share, “So here is what I am about to do for you”.  Like two cowboys in a western stand off, I placed a small squared paper that contained the statement, “I am sorry because….” Billy quickly shot back and said, “you must be crazy, I ain’t writing that!”  I calmly looked even deeper into his eyes, “My friend you have a choice, you can write the quick apology note and I don’t call mom and keep it between you and I or I  will call mom right now and let her know your mastery of the English vocabulary.”  I could see his confidence quickly waver as he began to stutter.  “Um López, my bad.. you don’t have to go there; I was just playing.”  I exclaimed back, “I know, remember I believe in you as as a leader, so what is it going to be?” He quickly took his pencil from his book bag and began to write.   Have you experienced a similar situation with a power struggle in your own home either your children or maybe one child who created a mutiny?  

Here is a good way to handle conflict without tension:

1. The key is to remain calm and provide options that allow the negative behavior to be reduced by choices that lead to the desired outcome. 
2. Anticipate the two choices before the lead to your desired outcome.  (Let it be a win, win for you).
3.  Think about a situation that has occurred and write down two options that will help lead to the behavior outcome.  If your struggling let me give you several examples, then you can practice and make it your own.